I am having a hard time getting my act together. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I just lounge around all day sleeping. Like it is easier to deal with Olivia's death by sleeping my life away. I talked to a counselor on the phone today. Another women that lost her son to SIDS 18 years ago. It is amazing how profoundly the death of an infant is. How this little person, who was only on this planet for such a short time, can change your life so dramatically for the better or worse. I want to make a difference through Olivia's death but I feel so drained and tired. I would love to do some fundraising for SIDS (actually I do have a cause for Olivia on Facebook, called "Olivia's Place". I just think the holiday season is so depressing when your family has had a tragedy like mine.
I look forward to seeing Thomas later this week. I am leaving for NY on Wednesday. I am sad, however, that I am leaving during my fertile time. And next month my husband inadvertendly booked my trip to NY during my fertile cycle as well. Maybe this is God's way of not pushing another pregnancy just yet. I know I need to go with the flow, but it is so hard.
Please God, give me the strength to get past this dark period of my life and move forward. I know Olivia is watching over me, her Daddy, brother and her entire family!
Monday 15 December 2008
Friday 12 December 2008
Anger mixed with HOPE
It wasnt the best week. I haven't been drinking that much but I did earlier this week and it takes a toll on me, especially with the antidepressants I take. I feel more depressed the next day and the antidepressant doesnt do a damn thing.
I have just been feeling angry. Christmas puts so much pressure on people to feel happy. I know I should feel happy I have my health, a husband that loves me and provides for me and of course my beautiful son. I am just so upset that I cant be a part of his life. I feel like I am more like his Aunt than his mother. I am being robbed of so many precious moments. I just wish I had him here with me in the UK full time. It will never happen. My ex, his dad, would die first.
I got the IUD out tonight! I can start trying again to have a baby. I got pregnant with Thomas around this time of the year. Anyone reading this, wish us luck that we have a healthy baby!
I freaked out on hubby tonight. I am just a bag of nerves and full of anger. I say such nasty things sometimes. I get angry with myself for going off on him. He knows how to push my buttons though. He hates when I laze around the house all day. I know I am really bad when I dont have structure. He is trying to help but I take offense.
I just hope things get better for us. We started this marriage out on such a horrendous note, most horrible tragedy, losing our beautiful Olivia. I hope, dear Olivia, you are looking down from Heaven guiding Mommy and Daddy. We need your help in this most difficult time. I miss you my little girl!
I have just been feeling angry. Christmas puts so much pressure on people to feel happy. I know I should feel happy I have my health, a husband that loves me and provides for me and of course my beautiful son. I am just so upset that I cant be a part of his life. I feel like I am more like his Aunt than his mother. I am being robbed of so many precious moments. I just wish I had him here with me in the UK full time. It will never happen. My ex, his dad, would die first.
I got the IUD out tonight! I can start trying again to have a baby. I got pregnant with Thomas around this time of the year. Anyone reading this, wish us luck that we have a healthy baby!
I freaked out on hubby tonight. I am just a bag of nerves and full of anger. I say such nasty things sometimes. I get angry with myself for going off on him. He knows how to push my buttons though. He hates when I laze around the house all day. I know I am really bad when I dont have structure. He is trying to help but I take offense.
I just hope things get better for us. We started this marriage out on such a horrendous note, most horrible tragedy, losing our beautiful Olivia. I hope, dear Olivia, you are looking down from Heaven guiding Mommy and Daddy. We need your help in this most difficult time. I miss you my little girl!
Tuesday 9 December 2008
Bad Day
I had a meltdown about Olivia today. When that happens, I call it "the Olivia's". I had a need to see her so I looked at some videos of her on line. The uncontrollable tears just coming rolling down. I gave my Mother a call and she calmed me down. I decided to go for a walk after. I still can not wrap my brain around the fact I will never see her again. That feeling that she is still out there, still alive, just haunts me. She is still so alive in my heart. I suppose that is a good thing.
The added kick in the gut is that I dont have my son here to raise. What a doule whammy. I am happy to have the landylady's dog to keep my company. I will sorely miss her when the landlady takes her to her new home.
I also have to deal with the fact that my 17 year old cat is in dying. I love her so much but I she hs cancer and it is selfish for me to keep her alive if she is in terrible pain. So I will have to deal with this when I return to the US for Christmas.
I get the coil out hopefully this Friday. Everyone pray for my husband and me that we will have a beautiful, happy baby this year.
The added kick in the gut is that I dont have my son here to raise. What a doule whammy. I am happy to have the landylady's dog to keep my company. I will sorely miss her when the landlady takes her to her new home.
I also have to deal with the fact that my 17 year old cat is in dying. I love her so much but I she hs cancer and it is selfish for me to keep her alive if she is in terrible pain. So I will have to deal with this when I return to the US for Christmas.
I get the coil out hopefully this Friday. Everyone pray for my husband and me that we will have a beautiful, happy baby this year.
Friday 5 December 2008
TGIF
Woke up this morning. Had dreams last of my friend that is pregnant with a girl. It sounds awful but it was quite painful when she told me she was pregnant a few months after Olivia's death. She is also having a girl. I wish her the best, of course, but it is just weird. We would have had two girls together, very close in age. They may have been best friends. I still can not accept Olivia's death. I know it will take a long time if ever.
Having problems with the ex regarding my son. He is very over possessive of him. I don't even know where to begin when it comes to the ex. He is a very bitter, angry man. I know I did hurt him in many ways but he is getting me back so badly by not allowing me to have my son in his life. Well that is another story.
Today I am going to try and eat better and do some exercise and some chores. I need to get my Blood Pressure down. Also need to find a local ob/gyn to get my IUD out so we can start trying for another baby!
Having problems with the ex regarding my son. He is very over possessive of him. I don't even know where to begin when it comes to the ex. He is a very bitter, angry man. I know I did hurt him in many ways but he is getting me back so badly by not allowing me to have my son in his life. Well that is another story.
Today I am going to try and eat better and do some exercise and some chores. I need to get my Blood Pressure down. Also need to find a local ob/gyn to get my IUD out so we can start trying for another baby!
Thursday 4 December 2008
4 months and one day later....
It has been four months and one day since Olivia went to heaven. On December 6th she would have been 6 months old. I don't know how I am living though this tragedy. Olivia passed away from SIDS on Saturday, August 2nd, 2008 at the age of nearly 2 months. She seemed healthy and happy. She was my second child (my first, Thomas, is six years old now) and my husband's first. She was so happy, quiet, and such a good baby. In fact, she was so good, I worried. I worried about SIDS, or crib death, because she slept a lot. A lot more than Thomas did. She was much more chill than him. I was so worried that my husband Paul had to keep reassuring me that she would be okay.
Paul and I got together because of Olivia. We didn't know each other very long when I told him the news about Olivia. He was so happy to have her. I was happy to, but nervous, as I wasn't married to Paul and he lived in the UK and I lived in the States. It was a weird pregnancy. Around the holidays last year we got news that Olivia might have down syndrome and I would have to wait 4 weeks more to find out for sure by getting the amnio. Of course, the amnio proved Olivia did not have Down Syndrome. In fact, she seemed fine throughtout the pregnancy, it was me that was a mess. I was home alot, thinking too much. I was also 41 this time and not 35 years old when pregnant with Thomas. A lot of this added to my anxiety.
While Olivia did seem to be doing good (I got the wonderful news she was girl on my birthday, January 10th!) I remained anxious. I was worried about getting to know Paul, hoping he would do well in the States as he was moving there in May, a month before Olivia's scheduled C-section, to be with us both. Things were fine with us and we really began to fall in love. We decided to get married on July 26th, one week before that horrible morning when Olivia passed.
Since then, we moved back to the UK for Paul to work. I am not working at the time. I can't say I am doing great. Paul is a wonderful husband but we have so much stress on us with me and him coping with the death of our daughter. I still can not believe she is gone. I had such hopes and dreams for her. I miss her so much. This holiday season is just a fiasco without her.
In addition, my son has to stay in the States with my ex. It's a long story, but my ex has residential custody. I miss Thomas terribly. I feel as if I lost two kids, not just one. I hope that he can come and visit me for a long time in the summer but his father isn't pleased about that. I do, however, get to see Thomas once a month for 10 days in the States and I am going back again around Christmas to be with him.
I also have my two precious siamese cats with my Mother. You see, in the UK, a cat/dog have to be quaranteed for 6 months before entering the UK. So I have to work on getting my cat over here soon. My other beautiful cat, who is nearly 18, has cancer, and wont survive the trip. I will be grieving over her death soon too. What a year.
What will 2009 have in store? Well Paul and I hope to have another baby as time is running out for me. I will be 42 in January. I also want to go on good diet and exercise plan. I gained a lot weight during my pregnancy and have high blood pressure now. I need to get back on track asap.
To any one reading this out there--please pray for me, Paul, my son, my entire family. We need a lot of prayers to get through this ordeal of losing Olivia. Ironically Olivia means "lively". Well she will always be lively in our hearts and memories.
I will check in again soon! Bye my friends for now. D
Paul and I got together because of Olivia. We didn't know each other very long when I told him the news about Olivia. He was so happy to have her. I was happy to, but nervous, as I wasn't married to Paul and he lived in the UK and I lived in the States. It was a weird pregnancy. Around the holidays last year we got news that Olivia might have down syndrome and I would have to wait 4 weeks more to find out for sure by getting the amnio. Of course, the amnio proved Olivia did not have Down Syndrome. In fact, she seemed fine throughtout the pregnancy, it was me that was a mess. I was home alot, thinking too much. I was also 41 this time and not 35 years old when pregnant with Thomas. A lot of this added to my anxiety.
While Olivia did seem to be doing good (I got the wonderful news she was girl on my birthday, January 10th!) I remained anxious. I was worried about getting to know Paul, hoping he would do well in the States as he was moving there in May, a month before Olivia's scheduled C-section, to be with us both. Things were fine with us and we really began to fall in love. We decided to get married on July 26th, one week before that horrible morning when Olivia passed.
Since then, we moved back to the UK for Paul to work. I am not working at the time. I can't say I am doing great. Paul is a wonderful husband but we have so much stress on us with me and him coping with the death of our daughter. I still can not believe she is gone. I had such hopes and dreams for her. I miss her so much. This holiday season is just a fiasco without her.
In addition, my son has to stay in the States with my ex. It's a long story, but my ex has residential custody. I miss Thomas terribly. I feel as if I lost two kids, not just one. I hope that he can come and visit me for a long time in the summer but his father isn't pleased about that. I do, however, get to see Thomas once a month for 10 days in the States and I am going back again around Christmas to be with him.
I also have my two precious siamese cats with my Mother. You see, in the UK, a cat/dog have to be quaranteed for 6 months before entering the UK. So I have to work on getting my cat over here soon. My other beautiful cat, who is nearly 18, has cancer, and wont survive the trip. I will be grieving over her death soon too. What a year.
What will 2009 have in store? Well Paul and I hope to have another baby as time is running out for me. I will be 42 in January. I also want to go on good diet and exercise plan. I gained a lot weight during my pregnancy and have high blood pressure now. I need to get back on track asap.
To any one reading this out there--please pray for me, Paul, my son, my entire family. We need a lot of prayers to get through this ordeal of losing Olivia. Ironically Olivia means "lively". Well she will always be lively in our hearts and memories.
I will check in again soon! Bye my friends for now. D
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