Monday, Monday...

So another week begins. I will be seeing Thomas for 10 days. I am SUPER HAPPY about that. I miss him so much. I need to start figuring out what I am going to do with all the time on my hands. I should look into taking some classes. I am trying also to watch more carefully what I eat as I would like to lose at least 30 lbs before I get pregnant. So ttfn. Just wanted to check in.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Well today I am 42. I hope this is a happy year. I hope that I can find peace within myself. I just want to get healthy and focus on my marriage, my son, losing weight and hoping enhancing my life in some healthy ways that I have been toying with. I dont want to put too much on my plate. Well ttfn!

I got my friend today...

I am pretty sad. I got my period today. I was hoping that I would have an birthday present in the next few days finding out I was indeed pregnant. Well, next time. I need to stop obsessing on getting pregnant. I think I was convincing myself I was pregnant and that is not good. I dont want to be like those hysterical women that all then think about is having a baby and they lose interest in everything else. I know it will happen this year. I just need to concetrate on improving my health, mental and physical, losing weight and such this year. I just wish Thomas lived with me so I could be his Mom full time. I feel so alone and sad without my children. I feel cursed.

Well, that isnt positive thinking. Moving along. I have to just feel sorry for myself now and wake up tomorrow and think good thoughts. Life is too short. I cant believe half my life is over. I will be 42 tomorrow. My God a lot of things happenend in my life!

Negative Pregnancy Test Today

I am very depressed as I write this. I was due to have my period today and didn't. I have been very excited at the fact I could be pregnant again. I had all the signs of pregnancy, but alas the pregnancy proved I was not pregnant. I have had negative pregnancy tests in the past and was indeed pregnant. Now I am really worried about myself. Am I convincing myself that I am pregnant because I want it so badly? I know this is the wrong thing to do. I know the more I want to have a baby, the possibility is that it wont happen. I have to be stress free. But it is so hard.

I was traveling during my peak ovulation time last month and without realizing, we booked a trip for me back to NY during my peak ovulation time this month. Which means I won't be able to arrange my trip around my ovulation until February. I am just very anxious as I will be 42 on Saturday. The clock is really ticking now BIG TIME!

I have always gotten pregnant so quickly I took it for granted. Now that I want this other baby so badly, it probably wont happen unless I relax. I know I need to lose a lot of weight optimally to have a problem free pregnancy. I suppose I should work on this and look for some other things to keep my occupied so that I am not so fixed on getting pregnant.

At any rate, I do hope that we will get good news in the next few months. I need to work on healing myself from Olivia's death, work on my marriage and help Paul with his grief.

I miss my son Thomas. I am looking forward to seeing him this month. I have to think positive. It is so hard. God give me the strength to heal and have a good life with my husband!