Negative Pregnancy Test Today

I am very depressed as I write this. I was due to have my period today and didn't. I have been very excited at the fact I could be pregnant again. I had all the signs of pregnancy, but alas the pregnancy proved I was not pregnant. I have had negative pregnancy tests in the past and was indeed pregnant. Now I am really worried about myself. Am I convincing myself that I am pregnant because I want it so badly? I know this is the wrong thing to do. I know the more I want to have a baby, the possibility is that it wont happen. I have to be stress free. But it is so hard.

I was traveling during my peak ovulation time last month and without realizing, we booked a trip for me back to NY during my peak ovulation time this month. Which means I won't be able to arrange my trip around my ovulation until February. I am just very anxious as I will be 42 on Saturday. The clock is really ticking now BIG TIME!

I have always gotten pregnant so quickly I took it for granted. Now that I want this other baby so badly, it probably wont happen unless I relax. I know I need to lose a lot of weight optimally to have a problem free pregnancy. I suppose I should work on this and look for some other things to keep my occupied so that I am not so fixed on getting pregnant.

At any rate, I do hope that we will get good news in the next few months. I need to work on healing myself from Olivia's death, work on my marriage and help Paul with his grief.

I miss my son Thomas. I am looking forward to seeing him this month. I have to think positive. It is so hard. God give me the strength to heal and have a good life with my husband!