I got my friend today...

I am pretty sad. I got my period today. I was hoping that I would have an birthday present in the next few days finding out I was indeed pregnant. Well, next time. I need to stop obsessing on getting pregnant. I think I was convincing myself I was pregnant and that is not good. I dont want to be like those hysterical women that all then think about is having a baby and they lose interest in everything else. I know it will happen this year. I just need to concetrate on improving my health, mental and physical, losing weight and such this year. I just wish Thomas lived with me so I could be his Mom full time. I feel so alone and sad without my children. I feel cursed.

Well, that isnt positive thinking. Moving along. I have to just feel sorry for myself now and wake up tomorrow and think good thoughts. Life is too short. I cant believe half my life is over. I will be 42 tomorrow. My God a lot of things happenend in my life!

Anger mixed with HOPE

It wasnt the best week. I haven't been drinking that much but I did earlier this week and it takes a toll on me, especially with the antidepressants I take. I feel more depressed the next day and the antidepressant doesnt do a damn thing.

I have just been feeling angry. Christmas puts so much pressure on people to feel happy. I know I should feel happy I have my health, a husband that loves me and provides for me and of course my beautiful son. I am just so upset that I cant be a part of his life. I feel like I am more like his Aunt than his mother. I am being robbed of so many precious moments. I just wish I had him here with me in the UK full time. It will never happen. My ex, his dad, would die first.

I got the IUD out tonight! I can start trying again to have a baby. I got pregnant with Thomas around this time of the year. Anyone reading this, wish us luck that we have a healthy baby!

I freaked out on hubby tonight. I am just a bag of nerves and full of anger. I say such nasty things sometimes. I get angry with myself for going off on him. He knows how to push my buttons though. He hates when I laze around the house all day. I know I am really bad when I dont have structure. He is trying to help but I take offense.

I just hope things get better for us. We started this marriage out on such a horrendous note, most horrible tragedy, losing our beautiful Olivia. I hope, dear Olivia, you are looking down from Heaven guiding Mommy and Daddy. We need your help in this most difficult time. I miss you my little girl!