Anger mixed with HOPE

It wasnt the best week. I haven't been drinking that much but I did earlier this week and it takes a toll on me, especially with the antidepressants I take. I feel more depressed the next day and the antidepressant doesnt do a damn thing.

I have just been feeling angry. Christmas puts so much pressure on people to feel happy. I know I should feel happy I have my health, a husband that loves me and provides for me and of course my beautiful son. I am just so upset that I cant be a part of his life. I feel like I am more like his Aunt than his mother. I am being robbed of so many precious moments. I just wish I had him here with me in the UK full time. It will never happen. My ex, his dad, would die first.

I got the IUD out tonight! I can start trying again to have a baby. I got pregnant with Thomas around this time of the year. Anyone reading this, wish us luck that we have a healthy baby!

I freaked out on hubby tonight. I am just a bag of nerves and full of anger. I say such nasty things sometimes. I get angry with myself for going off on him. He knows how to push my buttons though. He hates when I laze around the house all day. I know I am really bad when I dont have structure. He is trying to help but I take offense.

I just hope things get better for us. We started this marriage out on such a horrendous note, most horrible tragedy, losing our beautiful Olivia. I hope, dear Olivia, you are looking down from Heaven guiding Mommy and Daddy. We need your help in this most difficult time. I miss you my little girl!