It has been four months and one day since Olivia went to heaven. On December 6th she would have been 6 months old. I don't know how I am living though this tragedy. Olivia passed away from SIDS on Saturday, August 2nd, 2008 at the age of nearly 2 months. She seemed healthy and happy. She was my second child (my first, Thomas, is six years old now) and my husband's first. She was so happy, quiet, and such a good baby. In fact, she was so good, I worried. I worried about SIDS, or crib death, because she slept a lot. A lot more than Thomas did. She was much more chill than him. I was so worried that my husband Paul had to keep reassuring me that she would be okay.
Paul and I got together because of Olivia. We didn't know each other very long when I told him the news about Olivia. He was so happy to have her. I was happy to, but nervous, as I wasn't married to Paul and he lived in the UK and I lived in the States. It was a weird pregnancy. Around the holidays last year we got news that Olivia might have down syndrome and I would have to wait 4 weeks more to find out for sure by getting the amnio. Of course, the amnio proved Olivia did not have Down Syndrome. In fact, she seemed fine throughtout the pregnancy, it was me that was a mess. I was home alot, thinking too much. I was also 41 this time and not 35 years old when pregnant with Thomas. A lot of this added to my anxiety.
While Olivia did seem to be doing good (I got the wonderful news she was girl on my birthday, January 10th!) I remained anxious. I was worried about getting to know Paul, hoping he would do well in the States as he was moving there in May, a month before Olivia's scheduled C-section, to be with us both. Things were fine with us and we really began to fall in love. We decided to get married on July 26th, one week before that horrible morning when Olivia passed.
Since then, we moved back to the UK for Paul to work. I am not working at the time. I can't say I am doing great. Paul is a wonderful husband but we have so much stress on us with me and him coping with the death of our daughter. I still can not believe she is gone. I had such hopes and dreams for her. I miss her so much. This holiday season is just a fiasco without her.
In addition, my son has to stay in the States with my ex. It's a long story, but my ex has residential custody. I miss Thomas terribly. I feel as if I lost two kids, not just one. I hope that he can come and visit me for a long time in the summer but his father isn't pleased about that. I do, however, get to see Thomas once a month for 10 days in the States and I am going back again around Christmas to be with him.
I also have my two precious siamese cats with my Mother. You see, in the UK, a cat/dog have to be quaranteed for 6 months before entering the UK. So I have to work on getting my cat over here soon. My other beautiful cat, who is nearly 18, has cancer, and wont survive the trip. I will be grieving over her death soon too. What a year.
What will 2009 have in store? Well Paul and I hope to have another baby as time is running out for me. I will be 42 in January. I also want to go on good diet and exercise plan. I gained a lot weight during my pregnancy and have high blood pressure now. I need to get back on track asap.
To any one reading this out there--please pray for me, Paul, my son, my entire family. We need a lot of prayers to get through this ordeal of losing Olivia. Ironically Olivia means "lively". Well she will always be lively in our hearts and memories.
I will check in again soon! Bye my friends for now. D
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