Surviving SIDS - A Tribute to Olivia

Miscarriage

2009-05-06T21:41:00.000+01:00

I haven't written in a while as I wanted to keep my pregnancy a sort of secret until the 2nd trimester. Last Thursday, however, I started to bleed. I was in my 12 week exactly that day. After a crazed rush to the ER with Paul I was told I had to come back to the Maternity Unit the next day. It was a horrendous nearly 24 hour wait. In the meantime, I did try to come to terms that I was having a miscarriage.

On Friday I had the ultrasound. The baby stopped forming at around 6-7 weeks. I have to be honest with you, I had a gut feeling. I just didnt "feel right" during this pregnancy.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I am going to try and diet, exercise, eat well and try again. I so desperately wanted a baby in my arms by Christmas this year, as Paul and I had hoped and dreamed. I guess God has other plans for us. I am not sure how much more I can handle but I am proving to be stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Paul is a rock too! He is hard on me but he wants me to succeed and overcome this depression. We want to live our lives and respect Olivia's memory as well as the baby we lost but we want to carry on and be happy. I hope that will happen for us. We didnt have a very happy first year of marriage.

That's that for now....

Monday, Monday...

2009-01-12T13:45:00.000Z

So another week begins. I will be seeing Thomas for 10 days. I am SUPER HAPPY about that. I miss him so much. I need to start figuring out what I am going to do with all the time on my hands. I should look into taking some classes. I am trying also to watch more carefully what I eat as I would like to lose at least 30 lbs before I get pregnant. So ttfn. Just wanted to check in.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-01-10T13:56:00.000Z

Well today I am 42. I hope this is a happy year. I hope that I can find peace within myself. I just want to get healthy and focus on my marriage, my son, losing weight and hoping enhancing my life in some healthy ways that I have been toying with. I dont want to put too much on my plate. Well ttfn!

I got my friend today...

2009-01-09T15:56:00.000Z

I am pretty sad. I got my period today. I was hoping that I would have an birthday present in the next few days finding out I was indeed pregnant. Well, next time. I need to stop obsessing on getting pregnant. I think I was convincing myself I was pregnant and that is not good. I dont want to be like those hysterical women that all then think about is having a baby and they lose interest in everything else. I know it will happen this year. I just need to concetrate on improving my health, mental and physical, losing weight and such this year. I just wish Thomas lived with me so I could be his Mom full time. I feel so alone and sad without my children. I feel cursed.

Well, that isnt positive thinking. Moving along. I have to just feel sorry for myself now and wake up tomorrow and think good thoughts. Life is too short. I cant believe half my life is over. I will be 42 tomorrow. My God a lot of things happenend in my life!

Negative Pregnancy Test Today

2009-01-06T20:45:00.000Z

I am very depressed as I write this. I was due to have my period today and didn't. I have been very excited at the fact I could be pregnant again. I had all the signs of pregnancy, but alas the pregnancy proved I was not pregnant. I have had negative pregnancy tests in the past and was indeed pregnant. Now I am really worried about myself. Am I convincing myself that I am pregnant because I want it so badly? I know this is the wrong thing to do. I know the more I want to have a baby, the possibility is that it wont happen. I have to be stress free. But it is so hard.

I was traveling during my peak ovulation time last month and without realizing, we booked a trip for me back to NY during my peak ovulation time this month. Which means I won't be able to arrange my trip around my ovulation until February. I am just very anxious as I will be 42 on Saturday. The clock is really ticking now BIG TIME!

I have always gotten pregnant so quickly I took it for granted. Now that I want this other baby so badly, it probably wont happen unless I relax. I know I need to lose a lot of weight optimally to have a problem free pregnancy. I suppose I should work on this and look for some other things to keep my occupied so that I am not so fixed on getting pregnant.

At any rate, I do hope that we will get good news in the next few months. I need to work on healing myself from Olivia's death, work on my marriage and help Paul with his grief.

I miss my son Thomas. I am looking forward to seeing him this month. I have to think positive. It is so hard. God give me the strength to heal and have a good life with my husband!

Another week ahead of me

2008-12-15T16:39:00.000Z

I am having a hard time getting my act together. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I just lounge around all day sleeping. Like it is easier to deal with Olivia's death by sleeping my life away. I talked to a counselor on the phone today. Another women that lost her son to SIDS 18 years ago. It is amazing how profoundly the death of an infant is. How this little person, who was only on this planet for such a short time, can change your life so dramatically for the better or worse. I want to make a difference through Olivia's death but I feel so drained and tired. I would love to do some fundraising for SIDS (actually I do have a cause for Olivia on Facebook, called "Olivia's Place". I just think the holiday season is so depressing when your family has had a tragedy like mine.

I look forward to seeing Thomas later this week. I am leaving for NY on Wednesday. I am sad, however, that I am leaving during my fertile time. And next month my husband inadvertendly booked my trip to NY during my fertile cycle as well. Maybe this is God's way of not pushing another pregnancy just yet. I know I need to go with the flow, but it is so hard.

Please God, give me the strength to get past this dark period of my life and move forward. I know Olivia is watching over me, her Daddy, brother and her entire family!

Anger mixed with HOPE

2008-12-12T23:28:00.000Z

It wasnt the best week. I haven't been drinking that much but I did earlier this week and it takes a toll on me, especially with the antidepressants I take. I feel more depressed the next day and the antidepressant doesnt do a damn thing.

I have just been feeling angry. Christmas puts so much pressure on people to feel happy. I know I should feel happy I have my health, a husband that loves me and provides for me and of course my beautiful son. I am just so upset that I cant be a part of his life. I feel like I am more like his Aunt than his mother. I am being robbed of so many precious moments. I just wish I had him here with me in the UK full time. It will never happen. My ex, his dad, would die first.

I got the IUD out tonight! I can start trying again to have a baby. I got pregnant with Thomas around this time of the year. Anyone reading this, wish us luck that we have a healthy baby!

I freaked out on hubby tonight. I am just a bag of nerves and full of anger. I say such nasty things sometimes. I get angry with myself for going off on him. He knows how to push my buttons though. He hates when I laze around the house all day. I know I am really bad when I dont have structure. He is trying to help but I take offense.

I just hope things get better for us. We started this marriage out on such a horrendous note, most horrible tragedy, losing our beautiful Olivia. I hope, dear Olivia, you are looking down from Heaven guiding Mommy and Daddy. We need your help in this most difficult time. I miss you my little girl!

Bad Day

2008-12-09T17:15:00.000Z

I had a meltdown about Olivia today. When that happens, I call it "the Olivia's". I had a need to see her so I looked at some videos of her on line. The uncontrollable tears just coming rolling down. I gave my Mother a call and she calmed me down. I decided to go for a walk after. I still can not wrap my brain around the fact I will never see her again. That feeling that she is still out there, still alive, just haunts me. She is still so alive in my heart. I suppose that is a good thing.

The added kick in the gut is that I dont have my son here to raise. What a doule whammy. I am happy to have the landylady's dog to keep my company. I will sorely miss her when the landlady takes her to her new home.

I also have to deal with the fact that my 17 year old cat is in dying. I love her so much but I she hs cancer and it is selfish for me to keep her alive if she is in terrible pain. So I will have to deal with this when I return to the US for Christmas.

I get the coil out hopefully this Friday. Everyone pray for my husband and me that we will have a beautiful, happy baby this year.

TGIF

2008-12-05T11:36:00.000Z

Woke up this morning. Had dreams last of my friend that is pregnant with a girl. It sounds awful but it was quite painful when she told me she was pregnant a few months after Olivia's death. She is also having a girl. I wish her the best, of course, but it is just weird. We would have had two girls together, very close in age. They may have been best friends. I still can not accept Olivia's death. I know it will take a long time if ever.

Having problems with the ex regarding my son. He is very over possessive of him. I don't even know where to begin when it comes to the ex. He is a very bitter, angry man. I know I did hurt him in many ways but he is getting me back so badly by not allowing me to have my son in his life. Well that is another story.

Today I am going to try and eat better and do some exercise and some chores. I need to get my Blood Pressure down. Also need to find a local ob/gyn to get my IUD out so we can start trying for another baby!

4 months and one day later....

2008-12-04T21:00:00.000Z

It has been four months and one day since Olivia went to heaven. On December 6th she would have been 6 months old. I don't know how I am living though this tragedy. Olivia passed away from SIDS on Saturday, August 2nd, 2008 at the age of nearly 2 months. She seemed healthy and happy. She was my second child (my first, Thomas, is six years old now) and my husband's first. She was so happy, quiet, and such a good baby. In fact, she was so good, I worried. I worried about SIDS, or crib death, because she slept a lot. A lot more than Thomas did. She was much more chill than him. I was so worried that my husband Paul had to keep reassuring me that she would be okay.

Paul and I got together because of Olivia. We didn't know each other very long when I told him the news about Olivia. He was so happy to have her. I was happy to, but nervous, as I wasn't married to Paul and he lived in the UK and I lived in the States. It was a weird pregnancy. Around the holidays last year we got news that Olivia might have down syndrome and I would have to wait 4 weeks more to find out for sure by getting the amnio. Of course, the amnio proved Olivia did not have Down Syndrome. In fact, she seemed fine throughtout the pregnancy, it was me that was a mess. I was home alot, thinking too much. I was also 41 this time and not 35 years old when pregnant with Thomas. A lot of this added to my anxiety.

While Olivia did seem to be doing good (I got the wonderful news she was girl on my birthday, January 10th!) I remained anxious. I was worried about getting to know Paul, hoping he would do well in the States as he was moving there in May, a month before Olivia's scheduled C-section, to be with us both. Things were fine with us and we really began to fall in love. We decided to get married on July 26th, one week before that horrible morning when Olivia passed.

Since then, we moved back to the UK for Paul to work. I am not working at the time. I can't say I am doing great. Paul is a wonderful husband but we have so much stress on us with me and him coping with the death of our daughter. I still can not believe she is gone. I had such hopes and dreams for her. I miss her so much. This holiday season is just a fiasco without her.

In addition, my son has to stay in the States with my ex. It's a long story, but my ex has residential custody. I miss Thomas terribly. I feel as if I lost two kids, not just one. I hope that he can come and visit me for a long time in the summer but his father isn't pleased about that. I do, however, get to see Thomas once a month for 10 days in the States and I am going back again around Christmas to be with him.

I also have my two precious siamese cats with my Mother. You see, in the UK, a cat/dog have to be quaranteed for 6 months before entering the UK. So I have to work on getting my cat over here soon. My other beautiful cat, who is nearly 18, has cancer, and wont survive the trip. I will be grieving over her death soon too. What a year.

What will 2009 have in store? Well Paul and I hope to have another baby as time is running out for me. I will be 42 in January. I also want to go on good diet and exercise plan. I gained a lot weight during my pregnancy and have high blood pressure now. I need to get back on track asap.

To any one reading this out there--please pray for me, Paul, my son, my entire family. We need a lot of prayers to get through this ordeal of losing Olivia. Ironically Olivia means "lively". Well she will always be lively in our hearts and memories.

I will check in again soon! Bye my friends for now. D